THE SECOND CHANCE (or: Sorry, no co-workers allowed)

Sunday, May 22, 2005
Sunday at the Laundromat with Drew
Another Sunday, another story about the laundromat.

Apparently, I give off the 'approachable' vibe, because one gentleman there -- a regular who I have seen for many months now -- decided that today was the day he needed to talk to me.

Having seen me with scripts in my hand on many given Sundays, he decided to tell me his life story -- or a version very close to his life -- that he wants me to write for him.

I tried to explain that I'm a READER -- not a writer -- but I listened anyhow. I listened through the wash cycle, and well into the dryer portion of the morning. And his story frightened me, and saddened me, and made me realize how lucky I am to be me (and not him).

And, while it was flattering, it also made me realize that I have no boundaries with people. I can't say 'no,' even though I think it an awful lot.

Tomorrow, I'm flying to New York with my boss, who asked me along for 'fun.' I've started to think of her as Paris Hilton -- and I'm her Tinkerbell...except I make snippy comments and mock people with her.

From there, I'll meet Jerry at Newark Airport on Thursday evening, and spend Memorial Day weekend with his family in Rahway. I can't wait to see his nieces...they're growing up so quickly.

And, before you know it -- our escrow will close. June 1 is the official date. And since I won't be present for the paperwork portion this week, we're sitting down with our realtor tonight to make sure I don't miss anything.

I've decided that being in escrow is really a full-time job -- and having another job during n escrow period is not only virtually impossible to handle, it's also detrimental to both the job and the escrow process.

There is so much that needs to be done to the condo -- including some mold removal, which freaks me out to no end...but, as Jerry keeps telling me: it will all be taken care of. Somehow, I suppose he's right.

Since I may not be able to post during the week (i have no idea what the internet service will be like at the hotel), here are a few VERY quick things to ponder for the upcoming week:

OK. That should hold you for a few days.

Apologies that the postings have not been as regular as they should be. Happy Memorial Day, if I don't speak to you before then...

Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Is It Someone's Birthday?
Well, yes it is!!!

Be sure to stop by Jerry's blog and wish him a happy day...


Monday, May 16, 2005
So, a very brief post about the condo.

Everything's moving along...

We are about 2 weeks away from the close.

We've had the physical inspection; the electrician estimate for some repairs; the mold inspection report is due back tomorrow; and tomorrow am, we get the plumbing estimate AND the hardwood floor estimate.

Good lord -- it's like a money pit!

But we're getting closer and closer and closer!!!

For those in the area, it's right near the corner of Santa Monica Blvd. and Vista -- directly across from the dual beacons of light known as Fatburger and Astroburger! Hello, Fast Food!!!!!!

More updates to come...

Monday, May 09, 2005
The White Pills Make You Feel Good, Right?
It's almost midnight on May 9, and I'm dealing with a new problem -- my imsomnia.

It started a few weeks ago, and it's become so troublesome that I start getting nervous about going to bed about an hour before I even hit the sheets. And to think that it all started from a good place...

A few months ago, I decided to take some action against something that had been weighing on my mind for months...even years.

I have been taking Desipramine, a rather antiquated tri-cyclic antidepressant on-and-off since I was 16 years old. I first started taking it for the overwhelming depression I felt when I was a junior in high school. A few years later, I learned that the medication also worked wonders in controlling the crippling panic attacks I had upon my realization that grad school was almost over (1994), and the real world awaited. But after those panic attacks were managed and under control, I just put my head in the sand and continued to pop the pills. One tablet every night. Without the care of a true psychiatrist (my internist continues to authorize the refills), I am basically my own personal shrink with a pad for Desipramine always at the ready.

Over the course of the last decade, I started to see an amazing therapist (five years and running), and he encouraged me (along with Jerry) to talk to an MD about cutting back, and perhaps, even eliminating the meds. What I realized at this point was that a) I had a terrible fear of going off the medication, even if it purely served as a placebo for any true mental woes, b) that I had put it off for too long, and c) that if I were to continue to be medicated, it should at least make me a little less anxious than I've been over the past 6-8 months.

So, the road to mental wellness began.

Or so I thought.

I was referred to a rather stoic psychiatrist who informed me that there are plenty of newer, more modern, more appropriate medications I could be using to help manage my anxiety, but in order to get a correct read, I would have to go off my current meds first.

Sure -- it's scary. But people do it ALL THE TIME.

So, each week, he cut back 25 milligrams of the pill. And I didn't notice a thing.

Three weeks later, I was clean as a whistle. No more little white pills at bedtime...and I didn't feel even the tiniest bit different.

A week or two later? Kind of a different story.

Jerry noticed I was a lot more irritable. People at work mentioned that I seemed short-tempered. I found myself more flustered. I found myself more ANXIOUS. EXACTLY what I didn't want!

So, I took myself back to the shrink and said, "Well...I'm afraid it's come to this. I guess I *do* need to go on something new." And, in the moment, even though I felt like a bit of a failure (there was a huge part of me that wanted to be able to say -- HEY -- those pills didn't do ANYTHING for me!!! I'm A-OK on my own!!!!!), I still wondered what it might feel like to NEVER feel anxious (or compelled to do the laundry at 6 am on a Sunday...).

Last week, he prescribed me Buspar, which struck me as slightly funny, simply because Buspar is almost as antiquated as the Desipramine, but -- if it meant I was going to be more relaxed and not as neurotic -- BRING IT ON, the new-age cheerleader in my head screeched.

It's hard to say whether work has been more difficult lately, or if it's my coping mechanisms have been more askew, but I have not had a good run of self-satisfaction lately. And the medication is making me more nervous. Couple that with a high fever and a flu? It was like I was cracking every 30 seconds last week.

True -- I know, I know...I need AT LEAST 7-14 days on the medication to even notice a difference, but there are moments when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry -- How can people go through this without help? Why am I one of the people who needs the medicine? (I know -- I've been told "If you had diabetes, you'd need insulin!" but, for some reason, that strikes me as an argument that a CRAZY person created and perpetuated to kind-hearted souls everywhere, who say it to their crazy friends when trying to talk them off the proverbial roof.)

It stinks, because I feel flawed. I feel less-than-desirable. I feel like I'm not playing with the full-deck that everyone else gets.

And the sleeplessness? It doesn't help much.

So, I revel in the relative solititude of the computer, the internet, the new blog -- and thank you for listening to the ramblings of a half-medicated 33-year-old.

Tomorrow -- more news on the condo. (We're a week into escrow and dealing with mold inspections, a hyper-cheap Home Owners' Association and MORE DECORATING STRESS -- just what the MD ordered.)

Thank you for coming
First of all, a much-delayed apology for not getting this blog back up and running after the demise of the last one.

It was such an annoying/crushing blow to have to remove everything so quickly from the site after that unnamed co-worker decided to spread the news of my innocuous blog to the other co-workers.

Because of my lack of computer intelligence (and a very disappointing lack of attention to detail), I ended up printing out all of my old archives and then, promptly, deleting them. It was truly crushing in the worst sense of the word.

So, now I have a nice binder filled with my ramblings from the past 2 years -- and nothing to show of it online. At all. (Except, as Hilary pointed out, the nice cached memory thanks to Google!)

I wish I had gotten this up and flowing sooner -- and sorry for the decrepit look of the blog. It's like I took a step BACK in time, instead of upgrading. But that will all change in time, I hope.

Thank you for being the friends that you are. And update your links. I've begun to doesn't really matter who they think I long as I don't name any names...


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