The Second Chance

Thanksgiving

2005-11-26T11:41:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I've posted, and I've got all the usual excuses that have kept me from the computer -- work's too busy; life's so stressful; the condo has us working every weekend; friends have been in from out of town; I've gotten out of the habit; etc.

But with Thanksgiving this year, I had a few free moments to breathe, and I went back to reading a lot of other friends' blogs and realized how much I had missed them, and how much I missed taking uninvited glimpses into other peoples' lives.

I'm going to try to be a little more frequent -- and a lot less reliable, but we all know how that works.

Happy Thanksgiving. I'll put up a post about Thanksgiving, the unexpected expectations that the holiday brings and my adulation of Jodie Foster's film HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS later on this weekend.

It's Your Civic Duty

2005-08-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

Today, after months of avoiding it, I made my way downtown to show up for court-appointed Jury Duty.

I seriously don't mind the notion of what Jury Duty stands for -- I've been a case in my time, but it's the timing that always gets things so screwed up. This week happens to be actually OK for me, so I kept the appointment and showed up at 7:45 am...although I have to admit, I had no idea I'd be making a long walk from the Juror Parking Structure to the Criminal Courts Building in downtown Los Angeles.

But the biggest perk of them all?

I'm writing to you from a DSL-equipped computer at the back of the jury pool room. Someone suggested they put in a bunch of computers and internet access for the people who were stuck in a room, sitting and waiting (as I am right now...)...and voila! Here I be.

I wish I hadn't rushed and written my Sudoku post so early this morning. If I had known I would've had time to write it from here...I would have something interesting to say.

Well, this will have to suffice: During the lunch break, I walked to the Mall That Time Forgot, also known as the Los Angeles Mall, just steps from the Criminal Courts building on Temple.

The lines were too long for the food places (including a brand-new Quiznos -- obviously keeping jurors and district attorneys satiated into their work days!), so I decided to go to B Dalton's, the same bookstore where I purchased the then-new hardcover of HANNIBAL from Thomas Harris on my LAST full-term jury duty service.

I casually looked at the games section to see if they had any Sudoku books...knowing they probably would -- and was kind of disheartened when there were none to be seen.

But on my last look as I walked out of the shop, I saw a full display with FOUR books.

So...

I bought two of them. And now I'm going to play them.

My obsession lives on.

Sudoku Fever!

2005-08-16T06:09:00.000-07:00

I hate trendy things.

If it's trendy, you can almost definitely count me out.

Fortunately for me, Jerry tends to feel the same way.

We incessantly mock those around us who wear the Lance Armstrong yellow wristbands -- sneering at them as we laugh at the comparisons to those jelly bracelets Madonna made so fashionable back in 1985.

Guys with man purses? Well, except for Other Drew, who looks good in a 'murse,' we tend to scoff.

But this past week we got caught up in the latest trend to hit your local newspaper -- SUDOKU!

Sudoku is an insidious little puzzle game that is now on most newspaper crossword pages. It takes a 9x9 grid, broken into 9 smaller grids of 3x3 and poses a simple challenge: to solve the puzzle, each row, column and box has to contain each of the numbers 1 through 9. It starts off easily enough -- kind of like those old fill-in-the-blanks crossword puzzles, but very quickly, you get pulled in...and then it becomes an obligation to try to finish it...almost an obsession.

And if there's one thing Jerry and I like, it's a challenge. So, this past week we decided to start joining the nation -- let's Sodoku, baby!

But last night, after one miserably long, after-work evening with one of the easiest of the Sudoku puzzles (the ones labeled GENTLE, almost mockingly so...), I think our love affair with Sudoku is over.

After 3 long hours of trying to fill in the blanks and crack its almost ingenious code, Jerry and I both tumbled into bed as broken men, doomed to hours of Tetris-like hallucinations...trying to put numbers into boxes instead of twist shapes that fall from the top of a video game screen. It was the moment we realized we were both obsessed...and beaten.

This, my friends, is why I hate trends.

(PS: I have to admit in a moment of honesty -- Jerry actually completed his Sodoku. I was close, but then realized one row had two 3's in it...meaning I had failed miserably, and I had no way of knowing how to fix it. So, I was the failure. But my failure impacted Jerry, as I couldn't put the stupid thing down.)

You Know You're Getting Old When...

2005-08-06T16:31:00.000-07:00

* ...You finally make it back to the gym and nearly die after only 30 minutes on the treadmill -- and not even running the whole time!

* ...Your shrink decides to try another anti-depressant to couple with your current one to help with a recent onslaught of anxiety! Welcome to the wonderful world of Zoloft, I say! (Or, as Jerry calls it, Vitamin Z.)

* ...Your barber (or haircutter, whatever it is one should call the person who cuts your hair) confirms your fear -- that yes, indeed, there are a few gray hairs poking through in there.

* Your barber watches his tip decrease when one makes a self-deprecating remark about one's hair being thin, and he smiles and nods, adding, "Well, long hair is not going to be your friend anymore. It makes your thin hair look stringy."

*...The worst piece of mail you receive is from the Homeowners' Association, announcing that they've determined the puddles of water existing in the shared garage are actually the remnants of a leak coming from...YOUR BATHTUB/SHOWER! Fix it, ASAP. (That one seriously shut me down for days.)

*...The greatest Friday night you can ever imagine is coming straight home from work, eating Papa John's leftover pizza and watching TEACHERS on BBC America with the greatest boyfriend in the world. (And then going to sleep at 10:30 pm.)

*...The best thing that aforementioned greatest boyfriend in the world can do is to figure out how to configure the two Tivos in the condo and link them up so that we can watch a bunch of pointless reality shows in EITHER ROOM...ANYTIME WE WANT TO!!!

*...The fear that Eric/Cappy will make it back into the Big Brother house over Kaysar can keep you awake at night.

My Little Sister

2005-08-02T13:34:00.000-07:00

My little sister is going through a very rough time.

She's the strongest, smartest, brightest, funniest, most talented girl in the world, and she doesn't deserve an ounce of the pain she's suffering through right now.

Everytime I think about my aggravation with the new condo, upset over a work problem, discomfort from a summer cold, I'm going to think about Susie, and how she's doing.

I love you, Susie. I wish there were something more that I could do.

Home Again (this time with a cold)

2005-07-27T17:23:00.000-07:00

We've moved.

The moving cards are being printed; they'll be addressed next week; and we're still living out of boxes.

But, we've moved.

Leaving the old apartment where I spent 12 long years of my life was harder than I even thought it would be (and I was prepared for it to be hard), but once we got the furniture into the new place and I realized how much more room we had, it made the sting a little less painful.

It's still hard for me to drive home from work; my car seeming to automatically drive over to the old place -- and, sentimentally, I sometimes still drive past the parking garage, where I feel like my car gets wistful and wants to turn into it.

We left a few pieces of furniture in the place -- junk that was either too decrepit or too bulky to move on our own. And I wonder if the new people will keep it or be disgusted by it.

I also left a gift pack of CK ONE in the closet, simply because I can't even stand the thought of packing it, let alone wearing it like I used to. And I wonder what the new people will do with that.

In the move and the garage sale (which netted us about $300), a lot of dust was stirred up, which caused a terrible allergy attack -- which, in turn, sparked a nasty summer cold.

And you all know how fun it is to be sick when it's 100 degrees outside.

FUN.

Moving Out

2005-07-09T06:35:00.000-07:00

With great apologies for the lack of movement around here, I thought I'd just pop in for a moment to explain that the move to the new condo will finally take place this NEXT weekend. So, for lack of a better explanation, we're up to our eyeballs in packing boxes, packing tape, clutter, garbage and an ever-expanding pile for the sure-to-be-a-hit garage sale.

Super huge mad props go to the bf, who spent all of last week packing while I was either covering new TV show shoots, or spending a few days in NY, overseeing a troubled show that features 17 young girls living in a house together.

Having NEVER moved since I arrived in Los Angeles 12 years ago, you can only imagine the things I'm finding. (Jerry actually pointed out that I've spent MORE than 1/3 of my entire life dwelling in this humble abode...no wonder it's so hard to think of leaving it.) Unearthing some old photos brought back glorious memories -- and the realization that I'm actually getting old. (Looking at pictures where I could be classified as dangerously Lohan-esque make me pine for those old 29"-waisted pants. And to think I used to think I was fat...If I only knew where 12 years would take me...)

So, say a prayer that my mental faculties will hold up for just 10 more days...just long enough to clean out the old place and get the new place in moderately functioning order.

Goodbye, good old Sweetzer Avenue apartment. The memories you've given me are irreplaceable. Here's to the condo -- a mere 1.2 miles away. May it be filled with calmer, more peaceful memories.

Last Night I Had The Strangest Dream...

2005-06-17T06:04:00.000-07:00

It's been such a long time since my last post, it's hardly fair to just jump in and recount the evening of peculiar dreams I had, but I uncovered a most surreal feeling when I sat down to type.

The dream I most want to talk about may be almost identical to a dream I wrote about on my former blog -- a blog I had to remove. And for almost 24 hours, I didn't remember that I basically already had this dream.

Now I need to go back into my printed-out archives (not having been intelligent enough to store them electronically), and hopefully I can uncover my former dream and compare it to the one from Wednesday night.

In order to save time, I won't tell this dream yet, but I'll update you on the status of life.

We have another work screening in Santa Barbara on Tuesday, and -- once again -- it overwhelms each of us at the office in different ways. I'm only presenting two pilots -- one was completed WEEKS in advance (a first for us) and the other will take up much of the upcoming weekend.

The condo is in that state where I finally cracked and called it "A fucking money pit and I wish we hadn't bought it," an exaggeration which was a) petulant; b) caustic; c) melodramatic; and d) enough to push Jerry to turn on his emergency Drew-Attitude-Brake-Alert (tm), a handy tool for those who deal with me frequently. (Sorry, not available for blood relatives.)

It's overwhelming because the place is physically a mess, with paint on the carpet, blinds that need to be ripped out of the walls, floors that need to be done, a kitchen that can't be redone inexpensively enough for us right now, and a kitchen sink that should be scrubbed with more bleach than any countertop in the history of countertops.

On top of that, in my stress mode (which seems to be my primary operating system now), I have been eating WAY more than I've been active. Which means -- I've gained weight, a common occurrence to me, but with the temperature rising, it only brings more discomfort to my slender frame.

Margaret is due to have her baby at ANY MINUTE (poor thing), and the day she does, Chloe will have us spend the night with her, something that considerably outweighs the fact that she'll have a new baby brother. The other day, out of sheer boredom, perhaps, she asked her Mom to have the baby that day, because she'd like Jerry to come over and "bring his video games." Priorities.

I'll write more about those dreams -- and high school friends -- and the disarming comfort of an embrace.

Thank God I see my shrink this morning.

Sunday at the Laundromat with Drew

2005-05-22T17:19:00.000-07:00

Another Sunday, another story about the laundromat.

Apparently, I give off the 'approachable' vibe, because one gentleman there -- a regular who I have seen for many months now -- decided that today was the day he needed to talk to me.

Having seen me with scripts in my hand on many given Sundays, he decided to tell me his life story -- or a version very close to his life -- that he wants me to write for him.

I tried to explain that I'm a READER -- not a writer -- but I listened anyhow. I listened through the wash cycle, and well into the dryer portion of the morning. And his story frightened me, and saddened me, and made me realize how lucky I am to be me (and not him).

And, while it was flattering, it also made me realize that I have no boundaries with people. I can't say 'no,' even though I think it an awful lot.

Tomorrow, I'm flying to New York with my boss, who asked me along for 'fun.' I've started to think of her as Paris Hilton -- and I'm her Tinkerbell...except I make snippy comments and mock people with her.

From there, I'll meet Jerry at Newark Airport on Thursday evening, and spend Memorial Day weekend with his family in Rahway. I can't wait to see his nieces...they're growing up so quickly.

And, before you know it -- our escrow will close. June 1 is the official date. And since I won't be present for the paperwork portion this week, we're sitting down with our realtor tonight to make sure I don't miss anything.

I've decided that being in escrow is really a full-time job -- and having another job during n escrow period is not only virtually impossible to handle, it's also detrimental to both the job and the escrow process.

There is so much that needs to be done to the condo -- including some mold removal, which freaks me out to no end...but, as Jerry keeps telling me: it will all be taken care of. Somehow, I suppose he's right.

Since I may not be able to post during the week (i have no idea what the internet service will be like at the hotel), here are a few VERY quick things to ponder for the upcoming week:

REVENGE OF THE SITH was not bad. It wasn't great, but it wasn't the clusterfuck we have been warned about for the past few years. (Thank God for the Arclight or I never would've seen the movie until it aired on FOX in 3 years.)
I can't believe I'm going to be in NY for the finale of LOST. I hope I can convince my boss to let me sit in my room and watch it. She will opt for the AMERICAN IDOL finale, but -- who are we kidding? Bo Bice is going to win.
The BUSPAR is actually working for me. I don't think the anxiety is gone, but read above...I'm still dealing with escrow and buying a new condo.
Lindsey Lohan barely had anything to do on SNL last night (although I tivo'd through the mafia sketch). Incredibly funny sketches: the WOMBA commercial and Amy Pohler's crippled white trash character competing on AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. She always makes me laugh.
COLDPLAY's new album could not be more highly anticipated. They've really started to make Chris Martin into a true-blue sex symbol...are movies far behind?
Having Jerry working all weekend gives me plenty of time to sit around and ponder my existence. And watch old episodes of MY SO-CALLED LIFE on DVD.
Target could not be better than right at 8 am, when they open. It's like the store is ALL MINE, and you can't piss me off if you tried your damnedest.
Did Hogan Sheffer, the fired, overweight former head-writer for AS THE WORLD TURNS, get up and give an acceptance speech at the Daytime Emmy's on Friday night? I would pay a lot of money to know what led to his termination. The show has never been in better shape, ratings-wise; true, the stories are a little played-out (I mean, James Stenbeck...again???), but it's 100 times better than most on-going soaps.

OK. That should hold you for a few days.

Apologies that the postings have not been as regular as they should be. Happy Memorial Day, if I don't speak to you before then...

Is It Someone's Birthday?

2005-05-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

Well, yes it is!!!

Be sure to stop by Jerry's blog and wish him a happy day...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JERRY!!!!!!

CondoMania!!!

2005-05-16T19:00:00.000-07:00

So, a very brief post about the condo.

Everything's moving along...

We are about 2 weeks away from the close.

We've had the physical inspection; the electrician estimate for some repairs; the mold inspection report is due back tomorrow; and tomorrow am, we get the plumbing estimate AND the hardwood floor estimate.

Good lord -- it's like a money pit!

But we're getting closer and closer and closer!!!

For those in the area, it's right near the corner of Santa Monica Blvd. and Vista -- directly across from the dual beacons of light known as Fatburger and Astroburger! Hello, Fast Food!!!!!!

More updates to come...

The White Pills Make You Feel Good, Right?

2005-05-09T23:57:00.000-07:00

It's almost midnight on May 9, and I'm dealing with a new problem -- my imsomnia.

It started a few weeks ago, and it's become so troublesome that I start getting nervous about going to bed about an hour before I even hit the sheets. And to think that it all started from a good place...

A few months ago, I decided to take some action against something that had been weighing on my mind for months...even years.

I have been taking Desipramine, a rather antiquated tri-cyclic antidepressant on-and-off since I was 16 years old. I first started taking it for the overwhelming depression I felt when I was a junior in high school. A few years later, I learned that the medication also worked wonders in controlling the crippling panic attacks I had upon my realization that grad school was almost over (1994), and the real world awaited. But after those panic attacks were managed and under control, I just put my head in the sand and continued to pop the pills. One tablet every night. Without the care of a true psychiatrist (my internist continues to authorize the refills), I am basically my own personal shrink with a pad for Desipramine always at the ready.

Over the course of the last decade, I started to see an amazing therapist (five years and running), and he encouraged me (along with Jerry) to talk to an MD about cutting back, and perhaps, even eliminating the meds. What I realized at this point was that a) I had a terrible fear of going off the medication, even if it purely served as a placebo for any true mental woes, b) that I had put it off for too long, and c) that if I were to continue to be medicated, it should at least make me a little less anxious than I've been over the past 6-8 months.

So, the road to mental wellness began.

Or so I thought.

I was referred to a rather stoic psychiatrist who informed me that there are plenty of newer, more modern, more appropriate medications I could be using to help manage my anxiety, but in order to get a correct read, I would have to go off my current meds first.

Sure -- it's scary. But people do it ALL THE TIME.

So, each week, he cut back 25 milligrams of the pill. And I didn't notice a thing.

Three weeks later, I was clean as a whistle. No more little white pills at bedtime...and I didn't feel even the tiniest bit different.

A week or two later? Kind of a different story.

Jerry noticed I was a lot more irritable. People at work mentioned that I seemed short-tempered. I found myself more flustered. I found myself more ANXIOUS. EXACTLY what I didn't want!

So, I took myself back to the shrink and said, "Well...I'm afraid it's come to this. I guess I *do* need to go on something new." And, in the moment, even though I felt like a bit of a failure (there was a huge part of me that wanted to be able to say -- HEY -- those pills didn't do ANYTHING for me!!! I'm A-OK on my own!!!!!), I still wondered what it might feel like to NEVER feel anxious (or compelled to do the laundry at 6 am on a Sunday...).

Last week, he prescribed me Buspar, which struck me as slightly funny, simply because Buspar is almost as antiquated as the Desipramine, but -- if it meant I was going to be more relaxed and not as neurotic -- BRING IT ON, the new-age cheerleader in my head screeched.

It's hard to say whether work has been more difficult lately, or if it's my coping mechanisms have been more askew, but I have not had a good run of self-satisfaction lately. And the medication is making me more nervous. Couple that with a high fever and a flu? It was like I was cracking every 30 seconds last week.

True -- I know, I know...I need AT LEAST 7-14 days on the medication to even notice a difference, but there are moments when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry -- How can people go through this without help? Why am I one of the people who needs the medicine? (I know -- I've been told "If you had diabetes, you'd need insulin!" but, for some reason, that strikes me as an argument that a CRAZY person created and perpetuated to kind-hearted souls everywhere, who say it to their crazy friends when trying to talk them off the proverbial roof.)

It stinks, because I feel flawed. I feel less-than-desirable. I feel like I'm not playing with the full-deck that everyone else gets.

And the sleeplessness? It doesn't help much.

So, I revel in the relative solititude of the computer, the internet, the new blog -- and thank you for listening to the ramblings of a half-medicated 33-year-old.

Tomorrow -- more news on the condo. (We're a week into escrow and dealing with mold inspections, a hyper-cheap Home Owners' Association and MORE DECORATING STRESS -- just what the MD ordered.)

Thank you for coming

2005-05-09T23:48:00.000-07:00

First of all, a much-delayed apology for not getting this blog back up and running after the demise of the last one.

It was such an annoying/crushing blow to have to remove everything so quickly from the site after that unnamed co-worker decided to spread the news of my innocuous blog to the other co-workers.

Because of my lack of computer intelligence (and a very disappointing lack of attention to detail), I ended up printing out all of my old archives and then, promptly, deleting them. It was truly crushing in the worst sense of the word.

So, now I have a nice binder filled with my ramblings from the past 2 years -- and nothing to show of it online. At all. (Except, as Hilary pointed out, the nice cached memory thanks to Google!)

I wish I had gotten this up and flowing sooner -- and sorry for the decrepit look of the blog. It's like I took a step BACK in time, instead of upgrading. But that will all change in time, I hope.

Thank you for being the friends that you are. And update your links. I've begun to realize...it doesn't really matter who they think I am...so long as I don't name any names...